The Freshmen

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I’m guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby’s breath and a shoe full of rice

I can’t be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won’t be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week’s
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks’s worth of
Valium and slept
And now he’s guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can’t be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won’t be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

(Continued)

A Dog’s Life - Pt 1

About a year ago my significant other — clumsy name but the best I can do — became a volunteer at a local animal shelter, Citizens for Humane Action. It’s located just about five minutes’ drive from here. She goes in about twice a week, sometimes to help with the adoption process, sometimes just to walk the dogs. The shelter also has cats, but the policy is to have volunteers specialize in one or the other.

Emma (as I just decided to christen her, to avoid the awkwardness of “significant other”) made the choice to volunteer at CHA a few weeks after she rescued a beagle mix named Annie from the Franklin County Animal Shelter. Annie joined the two dogs I own, Jethro and Gypsy, and although technically Annie is Emma’s dog, for practical purposes we are now a five-member pack, with me as the alpha male, Emma and Annie vying for the beta position (Annie is one of the most dominant dogs I have ever seen), and Jethro and Gypsy trailing behind. Gypsy couldn’t possibly care less about her place in the pack, but since Annie dethroned Jethro from his former position, it’s taken him many months to really accept it. But make no mistake: although Annie weighs all of twenty-two pounds, you know more want to get on her bad side than you would that of Michael Corleone.

(Continued)

Mood Watch - 30

I was on the road for much of December and had neither the time nor inclination to post much on this blog. But I suppose I’m overdue for an update on the status of my biochemistry.

As far as I can tell, I’ve been on a pretty even keel since my last Mood Watch post, except that from December 10 through December 26 I tended to sleep more than usual and often had real trouble waking up, almost as if I were drugged (which, aside from the usual depakote and lamictal, I wasn’t). This was all the more surprising because for most of that time I was in the company of good friends and was doing work I enjoy. And besides that, as a general rule I have always tended to sleep less than usual when traveling. Yet at no point did I feel depressed.

The most I can say is that now and again I wished, as I often do, that I didn’t have to fool with this stuff. I mean, I’m appreciative of the fact that as mood disorders go, mine is comparatively mild; also that life holds far more severe challenges. But I mean, jeez, this has really gotten old. Bipolar disorder once had the virtue of at least being interesting. Not any more.

Mary’s Prayer

Everything is wonderful
Being here is heavenly
Every single day, she says
Everything is free

I used to be so careless
As if I couldn’t care less
Did I have to make mistakes?
When I was Mary’s prayer

Suddenly the heavens rolled
Suddenly the rain came down
Suddenly was washed away
The Mary that I knew

So when you find somebody who gives
Think of me and celebrate
I made such a big mistake
When I was Mary’s Prayer

[Chorus:]
So if I say save me save me
Be the light in my eyes
And if I say ten Hail Mary’s
Leave a light on heaven for me

Blessed is the one who shares
The power and your beauty,
Mary Blessed is the millionaire
Who shares your wedding day

So when you find somebody to give
Think of me and celebrate
I made such a big mistake
When I was Mary’s Prayer

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

If you want the fruit to fall
You have to give the tree a shake
But if you shake the tree too hard,
The bough is gonna break

And if I can’t reach the top of the tree
Mary you can hold me up there
What I wouldn’t give to be
When I was Mary’s prayer

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

Save me, save me
Be the light in my eyes
What I wouldn’t give to be
When I was Mary’s prayer

What I wouldn’t give to be
When I was Mary’s prayer
What I wouldn’t give to be (save me)
When I was Mary’s prayer

Danny Wilson

Living Proof

Well now on a summer night in a dusky room
Come a little piece of the Lord’s undying light
Crying like he swllowed the fiery moon
In his mother’s arms it was all the beauty I could take
Like the missing words to some prayer that I could never make
In a world so hard and dirty so fouled and confused
Searching for a little bit of God’s mercy
I found living proof

I put my heart and soul
I put ‘em high upon a shelf
Right next to the faith
The faith that I’d lost in myself
I went down into the desert city
Just tryin’ so hard to shed my skin
I crawled deep intoo some kind of darkness
Lookin’ to burn out every, every trace of who I’d been
You do some sad sad things baby
When it’s you you’re tryin’ to lose
You do some sad and hurtful things
I’ve seen living proof

You shot through my anger and rage
To show me my prison was just an open cge
There were no keys no guards
Just one frightened man and some old shadows for bars

Well now all that’s sure on the boulevard
Is that life is just a house of cards
As fragile as each and every breath
Of this boy sleepin’ in our bed
Tonight let’s lie beneath the eaves
Just a close band of happy thieves
And when that train comes we’ll get on board
And steal what we can from the treasures
Treasures of the Lord
It’s been a long long drought baby
Tonight the rain’s pourin’ down on our roof
Looking for a little bit of God’s mercy
I found living proof

– Bruce Springsteen, from the album Lucky Town

From a Mountain Top - Addendum

There’s a brief (3 minutes, 15 seconds) video on the Anderson Cooper 360 web site concerning Pastor Russell Johnson and Fairfield Christian Church. Just as I feared, it includes only a cut from the few seconds in which I showed anger with him because of his treatment of gays and lesbians — and doesn’t even do much of a job establishing the context of my remarks. I’ll be curious to see if this evening’s show (which airs at 10 p.m) has any more of the intervew. I rather doubt it.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Addendum

Caesar, Christ, and the Centurions

Cross-posted from Blog Them Out of the Stone Age

This past Saturday, a CNN news crew interviewed me for a segment of Anderson Cooper 360 to be aired (I’m told) later this week. They were doing a story on Pastor Russell Johnson and his Ohio Restoration Project, a sort of fundamentalist Christian political action committee that played a prominent though unsuccessful role in Ohio’s recent gubernatorial election.

Pastor Johnson and the ORP have come under scruitiny for alleged violations of Internal Revenue Service regulations that prohibit partisan political activity. Johnson is unrepentant. He doesn’t so much argue that his organization did not violate IRS regulations as that attempts to call it to account amount to “bullying” and “intimidation.”

Something of the same casual attitude toward the rules seems to be evident on the part of evangelical Christian officers — some of them colonels and generals — within the armed forces. In a sense, it isn’t surprising: they place God before country, not a bad ordering of priorities. But the question is what they can say and do within the bounds of their profession.

A case in point:

Inquiry Sought Over Evangelical Video
Defense Department Asked to Examine Officers’ Acts Supporting Christian Group

By Alan Cooperman
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, December 11, 2006; Page A03

A military watchdog group is asking the Defense Department to investigate whether seven Army and Air Force officers violated regulations by appearing in uniform in a promotional video for an evangelical Christian organization.

In the video, much of which was filmed inside the Pentagon, four generals and three colonels praise the Christian Embassy, a group that evangelizes among military leaders, politicians and diplomats in Washington. Some of the officers describe their efforts to spread their faith within the military.

Full story

From a Mountain Top - Pt 2

A couple of days ago I got a call from a CNN producer who’s helping to put together a story on Pastor Russell Johnson. I gather it’s going to be shown later this week on Anderson Cooper 360. Anyway, she’d run across the photo of Pastor Johnson and me on The Ohio Twenty-first and thought I’d make a good interview.

Before I get into that, however, I need to wrap up an entry I began back in September,. As so often happens, I lacked the time to finish it. I’ll have to give you a very short version now. . . .

Mike Riddle, the speaker from AnswersInGenesis.Org, offered quite an extensive and well-designed PowerPoint presentation to about seventy people assembled in the Fairfield Christian Church sanctuary to hear him. It had its share of problems in logic — sometimes the Bible was used to interpret the geological evidence, sometimes vice versa, so that the argument betrayed some circular reasoning. It also played a little fast and loose with the facts. For instance, it showed a pretty impressive-looking canyon in Washington state, known to have been carved out well within a week or so in the 19th century, and averred that the Grand Canyon had been carved out in identical fashion and speed by Noah’s Flood. I would think that to make such a claim, in each instance you would at a minimum have to discuss the relative hardness of the ground. The walls of the Grand Canyon, I know, are formed mainly of limestone and sandstone. He didn’t mention the composition of the canyon in Washington state. I suspect there was a reason for the omission.

I did learn, however, why, in Christian fundamentalist theology, it’s so important to establish that the Earth is no more than 10,000 years old. There’s no time to rehearse those details, though. And it doesn’t really matter. For two reasons.

The first is personal to me. My brother and his wife are conservative evangelicals who, over the years, have abandoned evolution in favor of creationism. My brother used to send me books on the subject. What he did not do was invite me to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays with his family, and aside from my sister, who also is a conservative evangelical and who doesn’t invite me, either, I have no other immediate family. A couple of years ago I was driving several hundred miles to spend Christmas with the familiy of a friend. From a hotel room en route, I phoned my brother and in the course of our conversation, said that I felt hurt that he did not invite me for the holidays. He bristled a bit, then said implacably: “Lori [his wife; not her real name] hates you.”

Concerning whether Christianity has any truth to it, that spoke to me a lot more loudly than creationism.

For Mike Riddle, though, creationism matters. At the end of his talk he offered an account of how came to be a Christian — in evangelicalspeak, his testimony. He told of a night in a silent hotel room when a personal crisis drove him to open the Gideon’s Bible in the dresser drawer. He began reading the first chapter of Genesis. “I knew I couldn’t believe any of the rest of the Bible,” he told the audience, “unless I believed the first chapter.”

(Continued)

Can’t Stop Running

Time marches on
I learn to crawl, I learn to walk
You couldn’t stop me from running
Stop me from running
Before I heard my name
Before I learned to talk
I knew I was running to something
Running to something
Into the arms of my god

Time marches on
And I awaken to the world
And I’m still running to something
Running to something far away
Unseen by the others in the herd
I’m only running to something
Running to something
Into the arms of my dream

I can’t stop running
I can’t stop running
I have a vision of myself breaking the finish line string
I still can hear it
This dream is calling
So I’ll keep running

Time marches on
I start to trip, I start to fall
And now I’m running from something
Running from something on my tail
Can’t turn to look, can’t hear the call
I’m only running from something
Running from something
Running in fear I will fail

Meanwhile
Time marches on and on
And the strength to run may soon be gone
Now I watch the young ones coming
And it’s on their legs I’m running
Into the arms of my god

Can you hear it? can you hear it?
Feet don’t fail me now

Todd Rundgren

Mood Watch - 29

An inability to sleep more than two or three hours at a stretch has replaced that long spell of hypersomnia. Taking a nap here and there mitigates this a bit, but I’m still managing only about five hours’ sleep out of every twenty-four. The good news is that I’m energetic enough to catch up on a lot of things, and I have no trouble focusing on my work (distractibility is a symptom of hypomania and therefore one of the things I watch for). The bad news is, I’m managing only about five hours’ sleep out of every twenty-four.

Last week I had a routine consult with my psychiatrist. I briefly reviewed my mood and energy level over the past month. She wrote the usual prescription for my meds. A thought occurred to me, something I’d heard somewhere. I asked, “Is it true that this illness tends to subside with age, that I’ll ever get beyond it?”

She eyed me sympathetically. “No,” she said. “No. You never will.”